oo...got to love a good Pinterest quote. Last week, I had a rather interesting conversation with an old friend from work. Without going into too much detail, she told me about how she was really struggling with her confidence and was finding it a bit of a struggle in a new job after a few other major changes in her life. She's always been a quieter person - (I remember it took me a couple of cups of tea to crack her into a full blown conversation) but I never thought for one minute she'd ask me for a bit of advice. I am not the most confident person on the planet, let me tell you. But I have learnt a few things as I've tottled along in life that have become rather helpful to me when it comes down to being a little more outspoken and 'up front' - whether it be at work, presentations at uni or any situation that could sometimes seem a little 'daunting'. I wouldn't class myself as being shy nor overly confident - just 'normal' I guess - I don't struggle too much with new people or speaking up, but I did come up with a few little tips for her that can come in handy with new situations and they're things that can apply to even the most confident among you.
First off, I really hate how people sometimes define the word 'confidence'. At school, the 'shy' people are always picked out like it's a bad thing to be a little more introverted and if you don't speak up in class then it means you aren't 'engaging' in a lesson. But you don't need to be a typical class clown/loud mouth/bully to have confidence whatsoever - you don't need to shout from the rooftops or crack jokes at every stranger you see. I can tell you now from my school experience (going back a bit now but I'm sure a lot of you will agree) that people like this often turn out to be the ones with the most insecurities. It's worth remembering that even the most confident people get a little nervous or scared sometimes. They might not admit it, but they do. I think everybody has a certain 'situation' that makes them feel as if they've lost their voice a little and it's important to remember that feeling a little shy sometimes is perfectly normal and above all it's perfectly fine. It just helps a little to know how to push yourself into breaking that imaginary 'barrier' in your head. I thought I'd share a few things that I believe have helped me over the years to become a more confident person...
Consider a job in retail or 'customer service'
My first 'proper' job (after pottering about doing admin work and office based stuff for family) was in retail. In fact, I've only just recently left after roughly 5 years and although I can't tell you I enjoyed it thoroughly, I liked the fact that it allowed me to grow so much as a person and I've taken a lot of good things away from it - skills that have proven so valuable to me both at uni and in life in general. Any job or work experience you have is good - but I can say I definitely felt thrown in at the deep end when i started my job as it was so customer driven. Although I worked in a shop, it was very 'customer focused' and sometimes quite sales-y. We were told from day one to make conversation with every customer, think about speaking positively and being aware of using any negative statements - you get the jist (yes, sorry I was one of those annoying sales assistants that asks you if you're OK or 'just browsing' about 50,0000 times). And although I sometimes hated it I had to try and deal with some pretty irate folk at times (pairs of wellies never caused so much drama!), I learnt to engage with people of all kinds - old, young, deaf, blind, friendly, rude, charming, sarcastic... the list goes on and on. I also learnt how to deal with conflict and how best to diffuse awkward situations in the best way I could, and I learnt how to tailor my speech to people depending on their age or needs (the role often meant sitting with people for a good 20 minutes or so - so trying your best to keep a conversation going was vital and I learnt a lot of good tips!) It sounds silly - almost every job involves this somehow - but the strong customer service side of things really did force me to become more sociable and less worried about what people thought of me. I learnt to build a rapport with people within seconds. Even the most moody people will crack a smile at you if you just try with them. If I ever got a rude customer and I was in a really productive mood, I'd challenge myself to see if I could turn their frown around by the time they walked out!
Fake it until you make it!
I remember when I was at school and hearing Beyonce telling an interviewer that she has an alter-ego in her head when she's on stage. I'm not saying pretend you're someone else, always be yourself, but it's true that acting a little bit works. Remember when you were a young'un and you told little white lies over and over until you actually believed them yourself? A really good tip is to just act like you're fine in the situation - once you've done it a couple of times, you'll realise that it's not that bad after all. It takes practice, but just think of it as a little 'performance' in your head. I did this with job interviews and presentations until I realised that actually, I was completely fine without acting it at all - by then, I'd learnt that I could do it anyway.
Visualise a situation going well
I'm awful with this one, i'll admit. If I'm feeling nervous about something, I will think about it and mull it over and over until I've terrified myself to the point where I just want to back out. I know it's hard - but the more you nip it in the bud and imagine positive thoughts - the more likely it is that the situation will go well. I sometimes even visualise things I might say, or do - if it's an important presentation I just tell myself over and over that I've done it before, it hasn't gone wrong once and that this time is no different. What is the worst that can happen?
Remember - Nobody Cares!
How many times have you spoken to someone you don't know too well and said something a little bit daft, or embarrassed yourself in some way? I know I have! Sometimes I think 'why did I just say that?!' - but it's important to remember that people just don't care. Even if they do, they will have a little snigger and forget all about it 5 minutes later. If you're ever feeling self conscious just remember that people are thinking more about themselves than what you're saying or doing. Other people don't analyse your actions as much as you will do.
Speak to strangers. Brighten someones day.
If going all out into situations you aren't comfortable with terrifies you, then take baby steps. Speak to the lady at the till instead of opting for the self-service. Say hello to the bus driver even if they're miserable (I'm on first name terms with a good few now...). I remember when I was having a bad day at work it was lovely when a customer said something nice. For example, if you like the girl's nail polish who's serving you in a shop - tell her and ask her what it is! It's so easy to just say - 'oo I love your nail polish, what is it?' - asking a question is key as it provokes conversation back and avoids awkwardness. (I often do this - I actually found one of my favourite hair products by asking a girl in H&M how she styled her hair - she looked really happy I was interested... It's nice to spread a few happy vibes now and again).
Smile.
Shyness is more often than not mistaken for ignorance. It's a shame but it's very true. I always remember this if I'm ever feeling a little wobbly. Even if you don't want to say anything, just have a positive mind and smile at people. Make eye contact. Little things make a big difference and don't take a lot of bravery at all :)
Inner confidence.
If you want to be a more confident person, the first step is to learn to love who you are. Yes, it's a cliche. But this cliche is somewhat true. What are your good points? So what if you're not the best talker - what are you good at? Focus on your talents. So what if you're a little quiet sometimes? As I've said - it is not a bad thing. I like to be quiet sometimes - nobody likes a cocky so and so!
The conversation 'bank'
If you're going to an event or situation where you don't know many people, it's worth compiling your own little 'bank' of conversation starters or things to say. What would you like to be asked? What interesting things could you tell someone about you? Everyone likes to talk about themselves - that's a fact - if you ask someone a question about their life they will answer you with enthusiasm - i bet. Similarly, if you need to phone someone and are worried about getting words muddled, it helps to write down what you want to say before you pick up the handset.
My '10 minute' rule.
If you're having a class discussion, or are in a meeting at work or you have a group interview - have some form of input at the beginning and make your opinion/presence known. It's a known fact that the longer you leave things, the harder they get - so it pays to speak up in situations like this within the first 10 minutes. Even if you don't feel like saying much after this and prefer to just take in what others are saying - that's fine. Little contributions go a long way.
And so there we have it - these are just things I've done since I was younger in order to make myself a more confident person. There's a balance between confident and 'cocky' that's for sure - remember that you don't have to be a loud mouth Larry to feel confident in yourself. I definitely have been a more outgoing person the past 5 years, and I truly believe it's because I made such a focus on it since my later years of school. It doesn't come in the wave of a magic wand (how nice would that be?) but it does come gradually and the more you do these things, the easier they will become and the more natural they begin to be. I don't think twice about certain things I used to be a bit nervous of before and I'd genuinely describe myself as a fairly confident person these days. Of course, I still get nervous/shy sometimes but if I ever do then I often use a few of these tips here and find that in a short amount of time, I feel fine again. I guess it helps i've always loved to talk and have a natter but even if it doesn't come naturally to you then just work on it. People will make opinions of you whether you or quiet or not, so why not just be yourself and throw caution to the wind once in a while? Above all - always remember that people just don't care if you mess up or if you say something silly because they are too busy thinking about themselves (as you are!) If something doesn't go well - then try again. Surround yourself with family and friends and have a good support network around you and I promise you that you can get through any situation eventually. Even if you're not naturally a chit-chatty person that's fine - remember that - the key is to think positive, smile, appear approachable and believe in yourself a little more... (and plunge yourself in at the deep end sometimes - it does you good. Promise :))
If all else fails - just smile through it As good ol' Roald Dahl once said 'If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely' - now how's that for motivational, eh?
What are your tips for feeling confident?
